Something Beautiful

My Christmas gift is for those of you who have truly appreciated Aunt Kay but never had the opportunity to meet her. I know it will also be enjoyed by those who knew her.

You can use your imagination to picture the out-of-this-world woman this gorgeous baby grew to become. A genuine treasure on earth for her entire journey.

Who Am I Now?

Who Am I Now?

I have been in a very introspective mood, wondering “who am I” now that I am no longer part of “who we were.”

 It’s a question that permeates every part of my life. We did EVERYTHING together. She was SO wise and always took care of me. Without her adult supervision to temper my, often less-than-well-thought-out, actions…… oh well. It is what it is and it ain’t what it ain’t.

Her powerful commitment to enriching other people’s lives had the side effect of bringing excitement into ours. The DWC was a huge part of our social life and we met people from all over the world. I connected with most of our visitors and some became lifelong friends. But the reality is, no one ever came specifically to meet me.  It was to meet Aunt Kay.  And that was perfect. I’ll be the first to admit I would have felt the exact same way if I were the visitor. And she was worth the time zones they traveled, and the angst they went through anticipating actually meeting her, as well as another real-life F/m couple.

I hope I have something to offer – one of her final instructions to me was to “use my talents to help others.” She meant that in the bigger picture sense, not limited to the DWC. Some men have reached out to me for help and I do my best to give them advice and coaching. I enjoy helping. It teases at answering, albeit in a small way, “Who am I?”

From my ongoing spiritual connection with her, as well as our final conversations, I know that she wanted me to continue to have disciplinary spankings. The plain truth is that the odds are against that, other than pay-for-play arrangements; which are a pale, and often depressing, substitution for discipline from real DWC wives.

My regular readers may remember that I purchased a spanking machine shortly after she left. It was functional in terms of delivering impressive cane strokes. But even though I tried using it to experience a hint of the DWC lifestyle, it was more disheartening than anything else and I gave it away.

I guess my original question should have been “Who am I in the DWC world? Who am I in the F/m world and what can I really offer there?” I’m pretty sure the answer is to adjust to changing realities and that everything has it’s time and season. After all, F/m is not the only part of my life that will never be the same. Even though I know the need will always be in me. The idea is to move on gracefully. And I WILL find other avenues in which to evolve as a person.

I hope that discussing this deeply personal, existential, struggle with you offers a perspective that you can use in your life. My intuition, says it does, even if I will never know exactly how or why.

A good friend sent me this quote “Death leaves a heart no one can heal. Love leaves a memory no one can steal.” Take from that what you will. It reminds me of another of the specific instructions she gave me at the end. It was “Live every day to the fullest.” If you do, the memories you acquire will be good ones. And trust me, someday those memories will be more precious than gold.

Just for the record, these are the final instructions I have been referring to:

• ·         Live every day to the fullest
• ·         Have no regrets
• ·         Use your talents to help others
• ·         Say “yes” to the opportunities life offers you

Don't Miss Out

Okay. Right off the bat I’m informing you that this blog entry is a bit of a “lecture” - mixed in with my own experience of course. It has to do with getting smarter and gaining some useful life skills.

The disciplinary part of things was Aunt Kay’s insurance policy to make sure I didn’t go too far off the rails; not only vis a vis general behavior but also with regard to my health. But it took getting beyond my own male ego-brain to realize how smart and practical she was. She had answers and advice for just about everything that came up.

I felt comfortable bringing up absolutely anything I found curious going on with my body. She wanted to know everything. So I didn’t feel like some kind of nerdy hypochondriac when I brought up small stuff. She checked things out, and usually had a remedy on hand (her bathroom cabinets were like a mini drugstore). If not, off to the doctor we went.

Anyway, in my opinion women are generally smarter about a lot of things and health matters tend to be one of them. Now I’m not saying that every single woman fits that description. But I am comfortable with the generalization.  But my point is bigger than health advice. It’s about teamwork and partnership.

DWC wives don’t usually suffer from lack of respect. But not every DWC husband fully values his wife as his most trusted partner, first-source advisor, and confidant. I humbly suggest it is a most worthwhile objective. At least in my own experience, Aunt Kay was my very best friend and that’s coming from someone who has exceptionally deep friendships.

For those who are not inclined to sublimate their ego when appropriate, and take advantage of the full range of the team’s resources.… well I’ll just say you’re missing out.

Since this is such a short posting I am adding a tiny anecdote that my regular readers will enjoy.  I recently joined a therapy group to help me work through the loss of Aunt Kay. Of course no one in the group knows, or needs to, about the DWC part of our life. I don’t want to know what goes on in their bedrooms either.

Anyway, the group leader has a method of structuring the sessions to make sure everyone has adequate time to participate and is not interrupted while doing so. When it is your turn to share, you get a little sand timer. When the sand runs out, you wind down your story. It is actually very effective and the group seems comfortable with it.

Well, the timer she uses is the exact same model as the one Aunt Kay used for the occasional timed spankings. So along with all the good stuff that goes on in the group, I have an inner joke going as I recall what I used to feel when that timer made an appearance.  It’s so interesting how the Universe sometimes provides these subtle little “helpers” to enrich one’s life experiences.

Writing Sentences

If you are a regular reader of this blog you have a good idea of the amazing relationship Aunt Kay and I had. In case you are new I’ll give a quick summary.  But you should read previous posts to see what it was all about.

It was a quarter of a century romance; a honeymoon from day one until the end. I adored her and I’d have to say it was the same for her toward me. We genuinely understood one another, put each other first, did just about everything together, and had more fun than anyone had a right to.

Soon after we got together I figured out that she was a whole lot smarter than me. Looking back it should have been obvious immediately. But I had this rare condition called “Male Ego” and it was only after I occasionally shut that guy up for a few minutes that I had that ah ha experience. I was thankfully smart enough to, from that point on, to take advantage of her brains and common sense. But I wasn’t exactly perfect at it; which is of course why punishment was necessary from time to time.

I have said in other places that to this day I am grateful for the person she molded me into. Even though she’s gone, her guidance is like a Jiminy Cricket conscience on my shoulder. Here’s a small example of that character building.

Early on we moved into a nice neighborhood; a real “Leave it to Beaver” environment. For those who don’t know the reference, it was nice, well-kept houses next to one another. People were friendly and stopped by to chat on occasion. You know, with the sweet grandma from down the block who rings your bell with cookies. Our kids loved it.

At the time I was gung ho about my career; long work hours and my head filled with work stuff all the time. So I was sometimes inadvertently rude to the neighbors; pretty much ignoring them. Little things like acknowledging thier wave when I pulled into the driveway and waving back or having a two-minute conversation.

She kept asking me to be friendlier. She didn’t expect me to glad hand the neighborhood like I was running for mayor. Just be more aware and polite. I always agreed but very little changed. There were a couple of spankings that got my attention for a while. But I always returned to my self-absorbed ways.

Then one day while the kids were away she at me down for a serious talk about it. I never liked those “serious talks”. Across the table she locked into my eyes and told me how frustrated she was with my continuing rudeness. She pointed out that I had been spanked twice for that and wondered why nothing had changed. I made a lame attempt at explaining; which she correctly identified as “just agreeing with no intention of changing anything.”

When she told me I would have to write sentences I didn’t even know what she was talking about. I quickly found out. I had to write “I will be respectful and friendly to the neighbors at all times” one hundred times – and neatness counted. We were already a DWC couple, so I went to my office and began work. When I took a break I was sent right back in and told I could have dinner, or snacks, after it was done.

I worked as carefully as I could and when I presented it to her, more than two hours later, she looked it over fairly quickly, asked me if there were a hundred sentences there, and took my word for it. My wrist and arm hurt. But I was glad it was over. But then she told me to go into the bedroom for a spanking. I protested that it was unfair and unreasonable. I was outraged. She, on the other hand, stayed cool as a cucumber and repeated firmly that I had best march in there without any further fuss.

The spanking was definitely one of her inspired ones. Plenty of rapid smacks with a variety of implements and special emphasis when she reminded me of having said she was “unfair and unreasonable.” She didn’t appreciate that at all.

I guess the writing and then the spanking, which seemed like it would never end, was too much because I cried and cried. Afterwards I got cleaned up and we had time for a nice dinner before the kids came home from their friend’s house. I felt oddly peaceful and we just really enjoyed hanging out together like usual.

I can say truthfully that it changed me. I became friendlier with people in the neighborhood and at work. To this day I instinctively pay attention to people and take an interest in their affairs. And I enjoy it. As I said, it’s a small example of the character-building she did for me. God Bless her!

The Spanking Machine

I’ve always been inclined toward the metaphysical side of things. But it still blows my mind the way the Universe seems to engineer circumstances to guide one toward the fulfillment they need. I think you might agree, or at least give it some thought, when you read this story. It begins with the worst time of my life, Aunt Kay’s passing. My sorrow from having lost the amazing woman I no longer see every day is enormous.

Kay and I had always been passionate about helping couples achieve greater intimacy through the DWC Lifestyle. But she also cared deeply about the single men who reached out to her over the years. I know I truly felt for them as well. I remembered my years of not knowing how to find a spanking partner. It’s more than intimidating; it’s finding a needle in a haystack kind of quest. But there are many needles in the haystack even if it’s a daunting task. And then there were the older men, like me now, who wrote about losing their DWC life partner. I wished I could give some of those guys a hug.

Anyway what was Aunt Kay’s advice? Keep looking, communication is the only avenue to the goal, and she said there is no shame in engaging a professional disciplinarian - none at all. And when occasionally she suggested that someone consider one of those spanking machines, I honestly found it a bit pathetic.

The reason I began by alerting you to my metaphysical leanings is because I still speak to Aunt Kay’s Spirit. Not like some kind of Medium with a lot of flair and accoutrements. I just genuinely feel her at times and it’s so powerful, and tangible in the present, that I know she’s there. And beyond that, or mixed in with it, is how extremely well we understood one another. So I often “ask her” what to do about something and because I knew her so well, the answer comes to me.

Near the end we talked about my future discipline needs and she was adamant that I should not neglect them. She wished we were still part of an active DWC community because she would have preferred a DWC wife to get involved. But that’s simply not in the cards. She also specifically suggested a couple of professionals she knew and felt good about. But that didn’t really work out either. So when I found myself needy with no viable disciplinarians accessible, I swallowed my pride and ordered a spanking machine. The irony of how I had previously felt about such things in the past did not escape me.  Even though they were a practical recommendation in certain circumstances, I ultimately thought they were just very sad.

Now here’s where the part about the Universe engineering circumstances comes in. My original plan was to take my time learning how to use the thing and experience a few light sessions. It’s designed so you can attach almost any implement to it and adjust the intensity and speed. I was planning to begin with a couple of her lighter duty implements.

Then I was pulled over for really speeding – first time in years. I was driving her car (she had the nice fast one). I usually drive my much slower, economy hatchback. Unbelievably, even though Highway Patrolman said I was going much too fast, he let me off with a warning. After he departed I sat in the car to get my wits about me.  There’s a cute little stuffed frog with big eyes that she always kept on the console. It was staring up at me and I knew that Kay would not have let that incident slide. I knew there were going to be consequences, courtesy of the machine, the first time I used it.

I knew in that instant that my plan to get gradually acquainted with it was gone. The machine has settings for both speed and intensity and I knew I couldn’t allow myself to make it any less than she would have. I found myself experiencing that same dreadful nervousness that comes when a disciplinary session is inevitable.

It took a while to get the machine, with one of her favorite canes attached to it, set up just right. Then I got into position and activated it. The first strike of that little monster stung like the dickens. And given the speed I had set it to, the next ones came in rapid succession. I panicked; exactly in the way we do when a spanking begins – with a desperate, uncontrollable, urge to escape it. You know what I mean. There’s a reason why the woman locks your arm and restrains you with her leg when giving an OTK session. I know some men are stoic and can remain still during a session. I’m not one of them.

I chickened out and switched the machine off after four or five strokes. My bottom was screaming and I knew, without a doubt, that every stroke had caused a welt. But I knew that Aunt Kay would not have been lenient when it came to speeding. The last time she addressed that was many years ago when it cost us a lot of money and traffic school. When you hear the phrase “you’re going to set a spanking you’ll never forget”, it’s referring to one of those.

I very hesitantly turned the machine back on again and endured more strokes. I don’t know how many. But looking in the mirror later convinced me that she would have been satisfied.

I think this machine thing will open a whole new, and unexpected, chapter in my disciplinary life. It’s certainly unexplored territory for me; physically, mentally, and emotionally. It’s a very weird thing to be responsible for both sides of the DWC encounter.

By the way, there is a great video showing the machine deploying a cane on the site below.

https://www.spankermachine.com