Wednesday, December 25, 2013

First Professional spanking session

In the grand scheme of what we all want and need in life, getting your spanking needs fulfilled should be among the easier ones. But it is not. And that makes me sad. I know we point at the social “unacceptability” of it as the reason. But really, it is our own unwillingness to take a few small risks, endure a bit of rejection, and work through it to get at least some of what we need. I could really turn this into pages of suggestions of what to do. But basically it’s to speak up and ask and try.

Those days of going without are long gone for me. But I not only remember the frustration of them clearly, I communicate with people all the time, especially men, who want/need this fulfillment more than almost anything and can’t seem to find it.

It is in this spirit that I intend to make my next several posts about my experiences that were not as rich and satisfying as those I have already shared. I think it may help to fill out the picture.
I was NEVER one who could speak out openly about my spanking needs. I could not get the words out of my mouth. I was already out of college, in the workforce, I had already been married once and it never happened in that context either, when I finally decided I had to have a real life experience of being spanked by a woman.

I often read personal ads in a free newspaper called the San Francisco Bay Guardian that offered professional spanking services. I would fantasize and imagine doing it but never followed through. I was that inhibited. There was even a column by a dominatrix named Kat who would describe her personal relationship activities in detail. I was amazed to read this stuff.

Anyway, I made the call to a place called Backdrop in Hayward. What a goofy name huh? Everything was highly covert. You would not believe how cautions they were. This was the procedure.
After I called and said what I wanted. I was given instructions to drive to a phone booth and then call them again from there at an appointed time. Later I figured out that they were watching me from the house, checking on who I was, or wasn’t I guess. Then they told me exactly where to park my car and which house to come to. It was a two story Victorian type of building.

Once I arrived I was shown to a waiting room where I found myself sitting with another man and I recognized him as a cashier from my supermarket. I didn’t actually know him, and I doubt he had a clue that I even shopped at that store. But it was still weird.

After a while a tall woman, dressed in dominatrix type clothes came and got me. She was very commanding and impersonal (which I later came to realize was the basic dominatrix style).
We went upstairs to a sparsely furnished room and when she asked, I stumblingly mumbled that I was there for spanking.

Following her orders, I removed most of my clothes and she “spanked” me, standing up, with one of those thin paint stirrers that stores give you for free when you buy a gallon of paint. It could not have lasted more than 5 or 10 minutes and I hardly felt anything. After all my anticipation it was boring and stupid.

I had paid pretty good money for that opportunity and I went home incredibly disappointed.
So there you have it. It’s definitely not all “glamorous” and richly fulfilling. But, one must persevere.  I plan to share a few more of the dud experiences because I truly believe it will help those of you who are still trying to find something good to keep going.

Thursday, December 19, 2013

Bad Manners = Very Sore Bottom

A number of years ago we visited a couple we are especially fond of. Both of them are bright and sociable and the woman is a professional in the disciplinary world. Since they live a long way from us we don’t visit very often.

Even though we had the F/m thing in common, and talked freely about such matters, we had never actually indulged in it as couples. We just enjoyed visiting with an enlightened couple and having the freedom to talk about disciplinary stuff when it came up.

The woman had made us a special dinner and the table was set beautifully.  It wasn’t until after we were seated and she brought out the main dish that my problem began. I was allergic to the main dish.
Now, you may think from reading this Blog that I would handle this very diplomatically. But this was a number of years ago and I did not express myself politely. I was not ugly or blatantly rude. But I’ll admit that in retrospect it was insensitive and NOT polite.

She, being a classy woman, gave no indication that I had hurt her feelings or insulted her. But sometime after the meal, it was brought to my wife’s attention and subsequently to mine.  I was caught completely by surprise as I was unaware my actions had done that. I really did feel very bad about it. After all, I liked and respected the woman.

With me occupied watching a football game in the living room, there was a conversation in the kitchen that resulted in the decision that I needed some “private time” with our hostess. Our host and my wife cheerfully announced that they were going to take a drive into town and I was to remain at the house.

Not long after they left I went into the kitchen and apologized. I felt like an idiot for hurting her feelings. She looked into my eyes with intensity and asked if I deserved to be punished for it. Feeling like a kid, I admitted that I did.
She sent me into her study and told me to get ready. God bless her, she changed into one of her hot spanking outfits. It was a kind of 50’s era deal. But, eye candy lasts only so long and I got a real lesson in manners.

One thing about getting it from someone other than your own wife is their unexpected ways of doing things. For example, she stood up with one leg on a low stool and had me lay over her thigh. My feet barely touched the ground while she paddled my bottom like a hive of bees.  Before it was over she had used her strap, hairbrush, some paddles, slipper and a cane. It was something I will never forget.

Sitting during the ride home was very, very, uncomfortable. Then - before bed - my wife gave me another spanking. She must have been really mad because she could see how sore my butt already was and would not normally spank over that. She had been working on my manners for quite some time before that day and I guess she was just disgusted.

That was a long time ago and I have very good manners these days. I truly do appreciate her guidance and most of the time I actually think before I say things. It has worked out well in many different situations socially and professionally.

Monday, December 9, 2013

Keeping Secrets

CAUTION- I am doing some deep thinking here and not recounting any interesting spanking adventures.  So seriously, if you have checked in for a good spanking story, I invite you to come back next time. I have a good one in progress.

After writing the piece about F/m vs. M/f spanking my thoughts went down an unexpected trail. I got to thinking about why F/m spanking is still one of those closely guarded secrets even though so many previously “unacceptable” lifestyles are becoming accepted.
I am not any kind of expert in sociology. But the model of a Patriarchal society jumps into my mind as the reason for the secret-keeping. With few exceptions the historical gold standard for heroism and greatness has been an Alpha Male of some kind. The world still suppresses the Feminine.  In the U.S. it is not as blatant as the near-slave/prisoner status women and girls are subjected to in some other parts of the world. But, it is there.

Men are taught to ignore, suppress, override, and somehow overcome their feminine side by any means possible. Being like a girl in any way is meant as a huge insult. So, “my wife puts me across her knee and spanks the hell out of my bare bottom” does not exactly have a place in the patriarchal world view.

I think the idea of being in a submissive position, even if it is ultimately by choice, is imagined to somehow diminish one’s status in that patriarchal world. To be known as one who indulges in that is also to be seen as “lower status” or “weaker” and this is more of a risk than most men can accept.
Here is where it gets very interesting. Most of the men I have met who receive spankings from their wives are definitely NOT submissive in nature and ARE in fact strong males. Many are in leadership or authority positions. I have personally met men from the judiciary, clergy, business leaders (including more than one CEO), scientists, police, artists, and other professions.
Even though they keep their kink private, they have accepted themselves, and have found a way to manifest it in their lives. So while the fear of public embarrassment remains, they have overcome self-denial and exposed their secret in their own relationship and eventually by reaching out, to meet others.

I can’t tell you how many times I have heard men say in some way or another that it was a relief to discover that they were not alone.

Personally, I have found it incredibly liberating to be with other men who have the F/m experience as part of their lives. But even if meeting others is not something you would ever do, I hope you can embrace the concept that there are solid strong F/m men out there who, if you met them, would call you brother. So regardless of whether you ever meet another F/m man/couple or not, trust me – you are not alone and you are not “weird”.

So even though I know there are a few women, like Dianne, who look in on me. I’ll sign off with - See you next time, brother J

Tuesday, December 3, 2013

F/m or M/f ?

Over the years we have talked with many women who were the capital “F” in an F/m relationship. It has been surprising how many began as a small “f” and migrated kind of organically to preferring to be on top. Although my particular kink has always centered on being under the loving control of my wife regarding domestic discipline, on few rare occasions at parties I have given a few spankings myself.
I thoroughly enjoyed delivering a good spanking when it was requested at a party.  I had to learn how to be sensitive to keeping it moderate for most of the women. At first I just gave what I was used to getting. But as it turned out, most wanted it much lighter and with greater drama (lecture etc). All of which I was 100% happy to do.
My wife never had any inclination toward being the small “f”.  She took on the disciplinarian role on day one and that, as they say, is the name of that game. And for me it has been prefect.
But we have friends who choose to have a switch arrangement; taking turns as to who gives the spankings and who gets them. At first I could not understand how they could be happy that way. It seemed, I guess I would call it, artificial. But as I matured over the years I finally admitted to myself that however a couple chooses to enjoy some kink in their lives, it’s perfect as long as everyone is getting their needs met and is ultimately happy with it.
So, when it comes to a party setting, I enjoy everything that goes on. I may not have seen everything. But I have seen quite a bit over the years. I will not even begin to describe the diversity of kink I have witnessed and as long as we are talking about mentally healthy, consenting, adults I am all for it.
Truth be told, most often whether you are the small “m” or the small “f”, you are receiving the gift of the other parties attention and efforts to fulfill YOUR wants and needs.  After talking with quite a few other men who are disciplined by their wives I can say with confidence, that they are among the most grateful, and dedicated husbands around.
My recommendation is that even if you are a small “m”, or a small “f”, it’s a good idea to keep enough flexibility that you can give whatever others in your life might want and need.  I realize that doing so may be a big stretch for some people. But, in a wholesome relationship giving is not defined by what you imagine or believe that others might want. It is defined by truly understanding what they do actually want and making every effort to provide that.

Monday, November 25, 2013

Meeting other F/m couples

Once you are out of school and in the “grown up” world it seems that making real friends is quite difficult for everyone; couples and single alike. Over the years most of our new friends have come from social activities connected with the F/m-DWC lifestyle.  We have had many discussions about why that would be.
1.        One obvious factor is that you have a shared secret, something still considered on the taboo side. Unlike many other uniquely-inclined groups of people, those who enjoy consensual discipline, spanking, etc , are still generally secretive about it. I know we are. This inner-circle, secret thing means you already have something powerful in common with the other people. When you first meet there is still a brief moment of what I will call, for lack of a more perfect word, embarrassment, followed by the pleasure of mutual understanding.
2.       Since people are “risking” by revealing their secrets, they are also trusting. I must say, that in reality there is practically no risk. But it feels like there is and that’s what matters. Trust builds connection more than pretty much anything else.
3.       Since finding like-minded people, especially couples, is a fairly rare occurrence, I believe that people put greater effort into connecting with the other parties. In those types of meetings there is a much greater tendency to accept differences and look harder for commonalities. This is a good thing.
4.       The next big step forward would be to meet again privately; usually at someone’s home. Unless you met at a dedicated social gathering, such as a spanking party, or say a Shadow Lane event, you probably met initially at a public place like a restaurant.
5.       What I have come to call “social spanking” solidifies the relationship.  When you first met everyone was probably pretty open. I’m not implying everyone suddenly becomes an open book. But the lifestyle stuff has been talked about directly. So, there is an expectation that when you are in private together there will be some actual spanking. And almost always there is.
I call it social spanking because it is not truly disciplinary in nature. Oh there may be some good, hard, old fashioned spanking as the women (in our case) kind of show their stuff. Once this has occurred, people seem to get very comfortable with one another and the possibilities for good friendship and sharing a lot of other interests emerges.
6.       From that point on, if you are lucky, you have friends to do things with – movies, hiking, whatever, and it can be wonderful.  Some relationships literally become life time friends. Most have a period of lots of fun and then gradually drift off. 
My personal advice is to reach out, go past your comfort zone and make new friends. Don’t become disillusioned if some don’t last. Even if you only make one or two friends it a huge difference from being alone in this.