Friday, December 16, 2016

DWC Boot-Camp

It was nearly a year ago that I ran across a conversation online about a couple who had embarked on a Disciplinary Boot-Camp.  At first I skipped past it for a couple of reasons. One was that it didn’t sound like anything that could apply to our life. The second was that I sort of thought the guy was making it up anyway. The discussion lasted a few weeks and then went away. But a seed had been planted in my mind and I kept thinking about it. Even though we have been in a DWC marriage for a long time I actually opened my mind to the possibility that some kind of formal “refresher” of our commitment might be valuable

Once I got truly objective there was no turning back. I saw that I was not, in fact, bringing my “A” game to the DWC part of our relationship. And since the DWC is intricately woven into our life together that meant I could not be bringing my real “A” game to the overall relationship either. Oh I knew I was a good husband, undoubtedly better than most. But was I the best I could be?  No.

I finally worked up the nerve to talk it over with my wife. I told her I had some important things to talk about and set up a formal meeting. She thought I had some kind of bad news and was worried about it. Once she heard what the topic was she relaxed, got right into the spirit of it. The DWC was definitely still part of our lives  and when absolutely needed the discipline came. But neither of us had our “A” game going.

That afternoon I felt the same kind excitement and nervousness as the first time I told her about my disciplinary needs; before we were married. It was a lot like renewing marriage vows.

Let me be clear about one thing. The focus was NOT at all on her being a “better DWC wife”.  I had no agenda about what she should do. My agenda was about what I needed to do. I felt that I had become somewhat passive and complacent about the quality of life I offered to her.

I needed retraining for several reasons. A big one was that people change.  And I needed to get an update about what delights her at this point in our lives together.  I also confessed about how I was not bringing my “A” game to other parts of my life either and I humbly asked her to tighten up the reins so I could improve.

The first thing I had to do was make a major internal adjustment. I told myself “no more arguing or resisting when she wants to discipline me”.  I put myself completely in her hands and let go, more than ever before. I knew that if she did not feel 100% empowered, we would be starting off on a slide backwards from Day 1. It would frustrate both of us and I would not be on track toward a life of continual improvement.  I want to live my life playing my “A” game.  I know myself and I need her in charge to help me be that guy.

My performance in life has improved dramatically and I guess you might call it a benefit that there are a lot more spankings going on these days.  She seems to be having a great time. She has a vast collection of implements. So I never know what’s coming.  But I do know that I am going to hate every minute of it.

I hope you can find some inspiration and apply some of this to your life. If you don’t have a disciplinary partner; you can still find some way to ramp up your “A” game.


  1. I too ran across a reference to domestic discipline "boot camps" earlier this year, and even found some materials on-line about them, though they were written from a M/f and "Christian DD" perspective. The concept included two or more days of getting away as a couple, with a fairly structured set of communications and multiple spankings a day to reinforce the power dynamic. The concept was intriguing to me even though, like you, we have been in a DD relationship for many years. My wife is on board with the concept, though we have yet to find the spare time to actually carry through with it. I do feel like it has the potential to be a real game-changer.

  2. Dan,

    May I make a suggestion? Have you heard the saying "The Perfect is the enemy of the Good?"

    You don't need "two or more days of getting away" to have a meaningful conversation about Re-booting the DWC aspect of your relationship. A dedicated "two hours" of conversation changed my life.

    1. I have heard that saying and use it a lot myself. In this case though, another principle comes into play, which is that the discussions happen and are "necessary but not sufficient." We have had the one to two-hour "reset" conversations and had one about a year ago that was particularly significant in getting us both on the same page about extending our ten plus years of DD into something more FLR-oriented, with her taking on a more dominant day-to-day role. It did help a lot, but it never quite seems to stick. The basic problem is socialization and temperament patterns. She was raised in a very traditional family in which dad ruled and, when there was a disagreement, he did what he wanted and she pouted. I'm coming at it from the opposite extreme. I'm an Alpha and very type-A in my day-to-day life, and it is very hard to get into a sustainable submissive space mentally. After hearing about the "boot camp" concept a few months ago, we both saw it as something that might help break or weaken some of those patterns, by putting us in a context where both were expected to take on those Dominant and submissive roles for a sustained period of a couple of days, staying in those characters throughout and also using that time to have multiple talks about what we want, instead of just one conversation then we both get on with our daily routine. I don't know whether it will advance the ball more than the one or two-hour resets, but I think it is worth a try.