Wednesday, March 1, 2017

Thanks for the Spanks, Mom.

I have been giving a lot of thought to a discussion on another Blog about “mothering” and “nurturing” and how that all fits (or doesn’t fit) into a DWC-style relationship. For some men the idea of being mothered in a disciplinary context was very appealing while for others it was, I daresay, an almost abhorrent idea.

I suspect that the emotional roots of the whole question of what I guess I’d call “disciplinary mothering” would be from the early years, probably around toddler days, when parents are all-powerful figures. In those times small humans experience their feelings with no filters. In a healthy family dynamic, nurturing is experienced as SO satisfying, and SO complete, that it probably can never be experienced to that degree  again in life.

However, nurturing includes teaching survival skills and in the most basic analysis, it’s reward and punishment. Parents have to somehow get “yes” and “no” understood and responded to as the most basic step in the survival training. So a toddler, who began life receiving deep, unqualified,  nurturing experiences from the mother, must adjust to that all-powerful figure intentionally inflicting punishment; which is how a stern “no!” can be experienced at that stage. This is the origin of the self-discipline people need to survive.

Beyond that point I really have to start guessing. But somehow the pleasure of the nurturing gets partially mixed in with the shock and pain of discipline. The sense of blissfully surrendering to the original maternal nurturing becomes connected to the discipline experience.  And later in life, for DWC-oriented men, a disciplinary session rekindles, or reminds, us of the deep levels of accompanying satisfaction. I have heard it expressed in so many ways. But often it is something like “it shows how much she cares.”

People think of this desire/need as either a blessing or a curse, and sometimes both. I know we all think it is a curse when it’s not her hair she’s using her hairbrush on. Ha. Me? It’s a blessing, a gift, for sure. I just can’t imagine anything else that could have brought this particular slice of intimacy into our lives. It forced us to move out of our comfort zones and to push communication to a much higher level.

So there you have my amateur speculation on why we are how we are, and why any maternal feelings that come up as part of our disciplinary experiences are perfectly fine.


  1. I agree with what you wrote but would have to add that there is probably a lot more to it as well. And the additional factors are probably also different for different people. I have tried to analyze this from my late teens until now and have read just about everything I could find on the subject. But the more I have read, and thought.......and experienced......the more I am forced to the conclusion that the desire for painful adult discipline is based on a multitude of factors.

    So, I think you aren't wrong........just that there's probably more to it. Even if you look at the differences in the people who regularly visit Dan's blog, you are confronted by people who don't share common backgrounds, or even live their DD lifestyle the same way.

    It's a great subject to knock around though!

  2. kd...Sure there is way more to it - multitude of factors. Otherwise everyone who gets born and experiences that fundamental transition from nurture-only to the healthy forms of discipline needed to encourage socialization would end up as a Spanko.

  3. I too have given thought over the years to the origins of these feelings and desires we have (we men who are drawn to the DWC lifestyle). I'm in the category of motherly discipline being almost an abhorrent idea, but just for me personally, not as an overall concept. In fact, I love reading about others being spanked at home by strict mothers. Although I didn't get spanked at home, I'm of an age that experienced discipline in school. The majority of my teachers from kindergarten through grade six were women, as was the school principal. The teaching and nurturing as well as the scolding and corporal discipline came from them. Quite naturally for me, my ideas about the allure of the firm female hand in one's life came from them. But I'm sure most of friends didn't turn out to be spankos, so I'm not sure why these experiences resonated with me and not them.